If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
