dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I look better un-naked...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
