I only kidnapped one of them. chill
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
