I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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