Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
