guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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