Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
