Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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