Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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