can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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