My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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