dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
