while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
