I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
