There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
