Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize