Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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