Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
