I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
