i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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