i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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