I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
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my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
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I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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