i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
