my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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