she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
