Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
