You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
