Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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