We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
