I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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