im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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