I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
