I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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