If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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