Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i will never coherently bang her
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
