I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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