I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
