meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
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I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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