I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
