advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
