you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
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Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
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I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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