Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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