My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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