thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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