I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
