The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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