so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
