You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
