he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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