So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The Olympian is in my bed
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
