she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
