He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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