More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
