Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
