When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
