yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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